Mental health

Call with my dad. 

He said a few weeks ago at my sisters party he was so proud of me. 

He said it was like looking in the mirror and I was perfect, he said I was beautiful and it was like how I was before mental illness hit me at 11 years old. 

I told him I can’t die and he said I can but there are angels above looking after me and it’s not my time. 

This call was massive my dad has never said anything like this, he was proud of me. 

I love my dad he’s made my day. Dad I love you! 😘

Anxiety · Medication · Mental health

I do want help but I want to do it my way. 

I do want help, I’m asking so many people for help but I don’t think anyone can give me the help I want, because I don’t know what I want. 

I want to do it my way. I want to take or not take the medication The way I want to. If I don’t want to take medication I don’t want to be pushed in to it just so my carer will be happy and continue to help me. 

Not everyone agrees with the way I want to live MY LIFE! But it is MY life. 

Anxiety · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · Schizophrenia · self harm · Weight · weight loss · weightloss

Gp change

I have been told a new doctor is joining my surgery and that I have been selected to be on their patient list. I have no choice but maybe it’s a good thing, I was kind of getting to a dead end with current doctor. 

I will miss him, he has been great but, I guess it’s time for a new doctor. 

I want to have lost a lot of weight loss by the time I go and see this new doctor. I want to be A healthy weight and look thin. 

Having a new doctor Will probably mean I contact them less. I’ve got use to my current gp and I feel comfortable with him so call him quite a lot. I think I will try my best to contact them if I need them, but knowing I’ve got a new gp and I don’t know them is putting me off contacting them already. 

Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Nhs · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Why do I write what the voices say? 

They hate it when I do it but I feel that it gets out what there saying and that I have the information to go back to of what they said so that I can find the clues and answers. 

It helps in some way, maybe it’s like a problem shared is a problem halved? If that makes any sense?

It helps to write it, it also just flows out of me, pouring the words and commands on to the page. Re-reading the words as if I’ve never heard them before when in reality I’ve heard them so many times I can’t remember.

Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy

Update. 26.6.17

I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on. 

I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication. 

Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like. 

I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.

No one understands!