I try and write everyday with a little summery of what I have done in the day. This is different. I don’t write about this, because if I did I would be writing the same everyday.
I wake up, sometime scared, anxious, and wishing I wasn’t here… Other days I wake up and I’m grateful. I wake up to the voices demanding my attention and commanding me to do as they say. I always hope it’s just a night mare that I will wake up from but that never happens.
I see things, I feel and see a presence in my flat, no one believes me and I don’t like talking about it because it feels more real, and when I do try and talk about it I feel a percence comes over me. I see spiders that look robotic, i find it difficult to tell what I’m seeing, if it is what everyone else sees or if I’m seeing things only I can see. It’s very confusing. How do you tell? But from looking at me you wouldn’t know I struggle with these things. I do struggle with so much but I put on a front. I don’t expose myself, otherwise I would feel vulnerable. I want to be seen as a normal everyday person so that’s what I show. I’m very selective about what I choose to show.
Out of body experience, is so weird. It feels like your not looking through your eyes. Or the things you feel aren’t really you feeling it. There is no way to snap out of it, you just have to ride it out.
Medication, I take medication everyday. Just like if you had a physical illness you would take medication to get better. But the problem is I take the medication, and then I feel better, so I deside to stop. The problem is if you have antibiotics for an infection, you are told to Finish the medication, even if you start to feel better. It’s kind of the same, even though you may feel a little better or fully better, when you stop the medication things return to how they previously were. Example: I stopped my diazepam, which I was taking to help with my debilitating anxiety, I had been on it years, and I felt like it wasn’t really effecting or helping me. But when I stopped, things have been overwhelming. I have really struggled with controlling my anxiety. I’ve had a few panic attacks and I’m trying to c0ntrol how I feel. I have been given another medication which isn’t addictive, it’s an antihistermine, it’s ment to help with sleep,and anxiety. It has helped a little, I’m still struggling to sleep, and control anxiety. I’m also in an anti psychotic medication, on the highest dose but, I feel like I don’t need it no longer as I feel I’m able to control my symptoms a bit better. I also don’t always see myself as ill.
Food and drink, it’s a normal thing right? I don’t see it as that I see if I dehydrate myself I feel better, I’m physically ill, people understand physical illness, but not as much mental illness. I feel guilt to eat and drink.
Appointments, I have multiple appointments every week, we try and keep them the same but it’s not always possible. I see my community psychiatric nurse weekly, and have extra calls and meetings if I need them. I also see a support worker, and with her I work on leaving my flat, and doing things that everyday people don’t even think about.
Friends asking what do I do, I can’t tell you all the things I do every day to live, you wouldn’t believe me. I struggle to survive. Im embarrassed that I don’t have a normal job or anything that makes me interesting or that just makes me, me.
My job is 24/7. My job is to get better and survive.