Anxiety · Diary · Health · Medication · Mental health · Uncategorized · Voices

I’m only one…

Im so exhausted, being awake is exhausting, but the strange thing is I’m not tired. There’s so much going on in my life I’m not sure where my concentration should be. Can I direct my concentration, is that possible. If so I want to concentrate of what is here in front of me. But I’m finding it difficult with the voices, music and so many thoughts. It’s not easy, I wonder if everyone feels like this. Am i in danger from my care team,  I’m not sure. I look forward to seeing my cpn, so I guess that proves I’m not scared of her, but deep down I still believe she has something to do with these cloning bugs. I don’t know. I use to think I was certain, and that I had it all planned out but do I? It’s so confusing. Anyway the plan is to see her tomorrow, especially as I need my medication. But I know all these bugs around are spying on me, tracking where I am. I don’t think I know the extent of whose involved and where this part of my life is going to take me. I thought I had it all planned out. Do I have the blood test Thursday? Do I see my cpn tomorrow? Why do I call my psychiatric team my care team, they don’t care about me? Maybe I thought they used to care about me but things have changed, it probably all changed when I found out I can’t die. Then their plans and motives changed, maybe they have been looking for someone who is invincible, and then here I am. I’m fed up of all the talking behind my back and I’m sure they’ve made plans, they just don’t want to share the, with me, because they know I will not agree and will fight my way, what have I got to loose? I think their plan is to get me to a vulnerable place, or put me in hospital, where they can gain more control. How wil I fight that? Why do I take medication? I know it helps with the voices but they don’t go, and I don’t really see what other help the medication gives me. Why do you take it? 

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