TRIGGER WARNING: sectioned, weight, surgery, baby loss, death, voices, self harm, assault, anxiety, spyed on, medication, suicidal, depressed.
I really trusted my community psychiatric nurse, and felt I was able to tell her the things I was worried about and things that were bothering me. But it turns out all these things I thought I was telling her in confidence, were being wrote down and given to the doctors and social workers doing the mental health act asssesment. Although I wasn’t expecting them to know about all the things that have been going on, I think I thought of answers pretty quickly, and hopefully believable. I’m not telling complete strangers how I feel and things that are going on for me. But then I say that, but I’m going to share them with you now. I’m doing this because I don’t no longer feel they are just my business, and I’m hoping it will help to write about them, so here goes.
I had told my cpn that I was trying to loose weight and I told her how many calories I was eating and aiming to eat. I had also told her the weight I want to get down too. I guess these were the wrong things to tell her because they were unhealthy goals, which were then used against me. I may still have these goals and may have not told the doctors the truth but it’s my personal choice about what I do about my weight and food.
I have thoughts which are pretty controlling, I had a thought about my younger cousin who was going in for open heart surgery last year, and I believed if I didn’t drop the card off personally and if I didn’t pray that she would die. Luckily I did everything right and she is happy and healthy right now. But another one of my cousins was pregnant, and I didn’t even think about the possibility of something going wrong, but I did say ‘will I get to cuddle him when he gets here” I didn’t know this was going to mean he died. I know people say it wasn’t my fault but I should have prayed and been more thoughtful. This leads on to my big worry at the moment. My sister is pregnant, and I know if I say those words again her baby will die. I’m so scared I’m going to do something wrong and something bad happen to her or the baby. This really scares me and limits what I can say.
The doctors asked me about the voices, whether they sound like there in my head or coming from outside of my head, what they say, do they talk to me, or about me, do they tell me to do things, They were the main things that they asked. I’m not being funny but if your in a room with three people you don’t know and they bombard you with questions which you know the answer will determine what the out come is. Yes I told them I hear voices, I didn’t tell them how many and that God speaks to me. I found it most difficult when they asked me what do the voices say, because I know the things they say and the things I do when they tell me too would mean I could be considered a danger to myself. So I was creative with the truth. But I mean trying to think of something they say that isn’t about harming or an insult was difficult. I’m proud I didn’t tell them what they say.
They asked about self harm, I said yes I harm, but it’s not serious at the moment. Won’t go in to deatail as I don’t want to trigger or give ideas.
There is an anniversary of something horrible that happened to me coming up soon, and I’m really anxious and already upset about it. It makes me think about it loads more and have horrible physical feelings. It really makes me anxious and upset. But I will deal with it, I dealt with it fine last year.
I don’t know how we got on to the thoughts of me being spyed on, but yes we talked about it. I told them that I know the team want my DNA to clone me and then use the clones to go to war as then no one will be dying as my body just doesn’t die. It’s invincible, they asked if there are already clones of me and I said no, how stupid do they think I am, they haven’t been able to gather my DNA because I’ve been killing the spiders and been very selected when people are near me.
They asked me about medication, I slipped up a bit and I’m not sure they believed what I was telling them but it all worked out okay.
We talked that I just wanted to be on my own at the beginning of the week and they asked does that happen often, I said no.
We talked about at the moment I’ve got loads of thoughts that if I don’t write down straight away they disappear. And there is a lot of thoughts going round in my mind.
They asked if I was Suicidal/depressed. I said I wasn’t.
Then they changed they were really patronising, and asking stupid questions which I didn’t really understand until they gave examples, but I’m really not sure what information they were hoping to gain with these questions. They asked me, “What do I think are my diagnosis” and “What are my symptoms” how the hell do I know I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist.
They asked a really patronising question. “Are you anxious, you don’t look it?” ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!! Of course I was anxious. Idiots.
Luckily I had done a lot of research, the day that they came, which worked in my favour. I literally memorised the “mind” website about sectioning. So I knew what the laws were, and what my rights were, I knew what situations they could section you under and what I should and shouldn’t say. It was the best use of my time, thinking about it now. I’m glad I did it.
Mind website, its brilliant, has lots of information about all sorts of things.