Anxiety · Mental health

What should I do?

Possible trigger warning. ⚠️ 
My career is here right now but we’ve been talking about how it’s not helping at the moment as we are both wanting different things, he wants me to take my medication and want to live. But I don’t. I don’t want to live half the time and I definitely don’t want to be told when to take medication that I don’t want to take. So what’s the point. We aren’t gaining anything. Just going round in circles.
I also want to stop eating it will be easier if he isn’t here, so no one can keep an eye on what im eating.  Thing is im not sure if I want to live, it’s a big decision as I know if I commit to it there is no going back. 

I just need to know will he be okay. Is it the right thing, saying I want to be alone. I know I will soon change my mind. 

I’ve asked him to leave, it must be what he wants too as he couldn’t agree quicker. I know I’m really going to struggle alone, but I also gain a little bit of control, I can choose when I go to bed, when and if I eat. And harming there’s no time limit of having to harm before he gets back from work. I will be free to do what ever I want. No one to keep an eye on me or check up on me. 

I’ve just got to decide what to do about keys, he has a set of keys, but if he is going I don’t want him having keys, it’s a control thing. If he leaves then the keys stay, then I can control who can get in and not. 

I will be completely alone apart from my cats and fish. But they can’t keep an eye on me or tell me what to do. What if I die, no one will have keys so no one can get in, I will have to make sure I leave them enough food and water. 

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