Anxiety · Mental health

Okay freaking out!!!!

The fire alarm is going off. And I’m doing a blog post!

It’s gone off now but I can’t see where it was coming from. It was a neighbours alarm. And it smells of bacon, And no one else is leaving there flat? Is it okay?

I think so, I’m calming down now, I’ve got the cat boxes out and they are okay.

It made me not able to catch my breath, and my inhaler has ran out. Found one but I guess I should contact my doctor, although I don’t want to communicate with anyone who can section, or hurt me. I’m keeping the power! I can’t give them any information about me and what’s going on.

Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · Future · God · hallucinations · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Scared in my own flat.

As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.

I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.

I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?

I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.

The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.

How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.

I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.

I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.

Anxiety · Daily update · delusions · depression · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · hallucinations · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

I’m more than my illnesses.

Yes I'm ill both physically and mentally, but I have a life away from this.

Everyday. When I wake up, I can't help but think that I don't want to live another day with the symptoms, mainly the voices, anxiety, and dizziness are the ones that effect me the most.

Today I'm trying to focus on things I do that aren't related to my illnesses.

I'm spending time with my cats and they are getting a present today, will post a picture later.

I've spoke to my family. I've had a tidy up, I'm going to continue to do blog posts, watching some things that wasn't illness related.

Even though I'm trying really hard to not think about my illnesses or give in to them, The voices are trying their best to get my full attention.

I don't know if I can do this, my life has just been built around the illnesses! I want to be more than them but I don't know how.

Any advice or tips?

Anxiety · Daily update · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm

Pip face to face assessment.

It's been some really stressful two weeks since I received the letter in the post about going to a face to face assessment for my Benifits.

I've now had the assessment, but I remember the day I received the letter it was in a white envelope instead of brown so it was completely unexpected. I sat on my bed and as I read it I burst out crying, it was my worst night mare. Instantly I was full with fear, anxiety, and dread. I felt like I had to prove I was ill, which I think is unfair.

My carer help me put so much before before the interview, in to writing the possible questions and answers. Just to take the pressure off when we went.

The person I saw was ok. It started off with being questioned about everyday things.

Too be honest I have no idea why they asked the questions they did I don't feel they didn't gave an insight in to what I'm dealing with and how I live my life.

I wasn't asked much questions as I previously thought I would be.

Plus the appointment time got changed on the day which was really terrifying and difficult to deal with.

I'm happy it's over but I don't believe the face to face assessment will give the dwp any extra information about my illness and how my daily life is.

I've now got weeks until a reply is expected and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stop worrying about it.

What's you experienced of the uk benefit system?

Anxiety · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Mental health · Personality disorder · Schizophrenia

Positive day.

I had a good day, I challenge day, I went up to my local town, I then ate in public. The ice cream in the picture. I then looked round some shops. And then went to the cinema.

My pregabline was upped on Friday from 300mg to 400mg, and still in 1000mg of quetiapine. I'm not sure if this change had something to do with making it a good day to challenge my thoughts and anxiety.