Anxiety · clozapine · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Future · hallucinations · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm · Support worker · Voices

Medication to survive.

I hate the fact that I have to take medication to be sane.

Would I rather be who I really am with no medication or this fake medicated self.

Maybe I want the voices, maybe I want to not know what’s real, may be I want to feel free and feel I have no responsibilities.

I wish I was free.

No medication.

No rules.

Just me!

clozapine · Mental health

2nd January 2018

I think it’s going to take a long time to get used to another year been and gone.

Today I’m at the local day mental health hospital for my weekly bloods. I’m looking forward to them being move to fortnightly.

I’m really tired I didn’t want to get up out of bed. I’m hoping to go back to bed when I get home but honestly I want to complete my steps for the day first.

Had a smoothie which was very yummy.

My rainbow of luck, saw when I was visiting a waterfall.

Anxiety · clozapine · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Future · Health · healthy · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia

Fed up of these weekly blood tests.

Clozapine has given me my life back.

I feel things have improved so much since being on it, but the weekly blood tests and trying to remember to take it twice a day make it so difficult to look just at the positives.

I will admit. Clozapine is the best antipsychotic I’ve been on and trust me I’ve nearly tried them all.

Anxiety · clozapine · Cpn · delusions · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Voices

Medication update.

Hopefully no more changes. I think I’m at the right dosage.

I’m on…

  • 400 mg clozapine
  • 500mg pregabline
  • 2mg diazepam
  • 1.25 mg bisoprolol
  • Kwells
  • Vitamin b complex

They are really helping me to not be symptomatic.

Anxiety · clozapine · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · Health · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · scared · self harm

Medication was changed on Thursday.

TRIGGER WARNING…. overdoes, and medication.

Clozapine is being upped to 400mg

400mg which I’m a bit worried about but I think it will be okay. They know what there doing.

My pregabline is being increased next week too.

When will my medication stop being messed around with.

When will I feel better. It’s such a difficult time. I’ve just to try and put trust in to them.

The urge to overdose is really strong.

clozapine · Mental health

1st month on clozapine. 23.10.17-23.11.17

It’s been a month, and a massive rollacoster.

I want this to work so bad, and to have a life worth living.

The good…..

I feel thing were initially clearer until my previous antipsychotic medication was no longer in my system. I stopped taking it a week ago and things seem to be going down hill, currently.

I haven’t put any weight on currently. But my weight is fluctuating daily.

Feel more control about what I choose to eat. This changes sometimes I want to eat everything and then nothing.

The bad…

having blood tests every eeek is a pain, but I think it might be worthwhile.

I’m starting to get sleepy, which I didn’t have at the beginning, but it’s welcomed a little bit as I hadn’t been sleeping great when I first started.

I feel extremely anxious, and it’s an anxiety which I can’t control.

The worst part…

Feeling like everyone else has control over the medication, I’ve always got to be in control.

What I want you to know starting clozapine

There may be times when you want to quit, but keep at it. You can do this I believe in you.

It’s going to be hard, and I thought I wouldn’t get sleepy or weight changes, or less motivation, but it has changed. It’s been a struggle but I’m still fighting for this best life possible.

Current medication—

400mg clozapine

400mg pregabline

2mg diazepam

1.25 bidoprolol