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Why do I write what the voices say? 

They hate it when I do it but I feel that it gets out what there saying and that I have the information to go back to of what they said so that I can find the clues and answers. 

It helps in some way, maybe it’s like a problem shared is a problem halved? If that makes any sense?

It helps to write it, it also just flows out of me, pouring the words and commands on to the page. Re-reading the words as if I’ve never heard them before when in reality I’ve heard them so many times I can’t remember.

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Update. 26.6.17

I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on. 

I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication. 

Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like. 

I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.

No one understands! 

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What there up too…

They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in. 

These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for. 

There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed. 

They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die. 

I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared. 

They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others. 

The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me! 

God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil. 

STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!! 

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Cpn today’s appointment. 

My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital. 

I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.

Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control. 

I’m not really sure what my plan is from here. 

The voices have been so bad, I can control them.

I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?! 

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Cpn said medication isn’t going to solve anything.

Fine, I will stop all my medication. If it isn’t going to solve things, why prescribe me the quetiapine and diazepam?

I was asking for help, I’m desperate and asking for your help, but I get nothing back. I’m going over the edge. 

I’m going to try my best to no longer call or have contact with them, I don’t need them. Enough is enough. Alone. 

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I’m struggling to live. 

Things are really tough at the moment. 

I feel so alone and scared. It’s hurting me. I feel my heart falling apart and my body failing me. 

I wish my family wanted me and cared about me. 

I’m struggling to keep myself from ending it all. I’m not sure if that’s me being brave, or me being stupid. Would it be better too fly away quickly and painlessly. 

I’m sorry for going on and lack of posts but my life is falling apart right in front of me. 

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Today deserves a blog post. 

So I get up and I’m still the same weight 9:4 stone, but I’ve done loads today to keep that going down. 

I get a text from my middle sister, who’s doing her GCSEs at the moment. She text me to go and see her. This is the sister who gets very easily upset with me. I went and spent a few hours with her. She introduced me to some lovely songs, that relate and made her have feelings. I can’t help but think the lyrics of the song she was aiming them at me but I think that’s a positive way forward and I love her so much. She had also Colored in a canvas I gave her. That’s the picture in this blog post. 

My cpn called me and it was a quick but positive talk,

Then I went out with my support worker, we went for a drive but before she started driving she had to ask me if I was going to jump out as I attempted that with my carer a few weeks ago. But I told her I wasn’t going too. 

Then I changed my front room around. While listening to amazing songs recommend by my sister. 

Then my dad texted me saying he loved the cakes I made him.

Then went swimming was a massive achievement.

Then I read my emails and I’ve got such a nice email from a very lovely follower, thanks Amy. 

SO POSITIVE!