Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · Future · God · hallucinations · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Scared in my own flat.

As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.

I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.

I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?

I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.

The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.

How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.

I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.

I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.

Anxiety · Daily update · delusions · depression · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · hallucinations · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

I’m more than my illnesses.

Yes I'm ill both physically and mentally, but I have a life away from this.

Everyday. When I wake up, I can't help but think that I don't want to live another day with the symptoms, mainly the voices, anxiety, and dizziness are the ones that effect me the most.

Today I'm trying to focus on things I do that aren't related to my illnesses.

I'm spending time with my cats and they are getting a present today, will post a picture later.

I've spoke to my family. I've had a tidy up, I'm going to continue to do blog posts, watching some things that wasn't illness related.

Even though I'm trying really hard to not think about my illnesses or give in to them, The voices are trying their best to get my full attention.

I don't know if I can do this, my life has just been built around the illnesses! I want to be more than them but I don't know how.

Any advice or tips?

Anxiety · Daily update · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm

Pip face to face assessment.

It's been some really stressful two weeks since I received the letter in the post about going to a face to face assessment for my Benifits.

I've now had the assessment, but I remember the day I received the letter it was in a white envelope instead of brown so it was completely unexpected. I sat on my bed and as I read it I burst out crying, it was my worst night mare. Instantly I was full with fear, anxiety, and dread. I felt like I had to prove I was ill, which I think is unfair.

My carer help me put so much before before the interview, in to writing the possible questions and answers. Just to take the pressure off when we went.

The person I saw was ok. It started off with being questioned about everyday things.

Too be honest I have no idea why they asked the questions they did I don't feel they didn't gave an insight in to what I'm dealing with and how I live my life.

I wasn't asked much questions as I previously thought I would be.

Plus the appointment time got changed on the day which was really terrifying and difficult to deal with.

I'm happy it's over but I don't believe the face to face assessment will give the dwp any extra information about my illness and how my daily life is.

I've now got weeks until a reply is expected and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stop worrying about it.

What's you experienced of the uk benefit system?

Anxiety · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Mental health · Personality disorder · Schizophrenia

Positive day.

I had a good day, I challenge day, I went up to my local town, I then ate in public. The ice cream in the picture. I then looked round some shops. And then went to the cinema.

My pregabline was upped on Friday from 300mg to 400mg, and still in 1000mg of quetiapine. I'm not sure if this change had something to do with making it a good day to challenge my thoughts and anxiety.

Anxiety · Carer · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Nhs · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Why was I admitted to an acute psychiatric hospital?

I believe it was a planed plot to get me in to hospital so that they can do what ever tests and gather information about me that they want. I feel safe and unsafe, mainly from the staff. 

I did have an incident when I was here one night, things just got too much for me, but I think that's for another blog post. 

I was just going for an outpatient crisis appointment planned meeting with my psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse, and cousin/carer. 

I did not for one second think walking in to this hospital for normal meeting that I wouldn't be able to leave. I didn't say good bye to my cats or have there food out and plans in place. 

I was so shocked I walked from the outpatient floor to the acute psychiatric inpatient ward, with out thinking or even remembering how did I get here, I think a few days later it final set in that I was here and sectioned under the mental health act and that I wouldn't be able to leave and have no idea of when I will get out? 

Anxiety · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

July 2017 update.

This month has been quite busy.

I was discharged off my section.

I was able to spend my day with my dad on his 50th birthday. I'm so glad it was such a special day. I got a photo with him and it makes me so happy when I look at it.

Yesterday I did a lot of walking.

I have been gaining a lot of weight basically a pound a day, which I've put down too the changes in my medication. I've been eating and exercising the same. Until now.

Im trying to get a lot more exercise done and calories burnt. I think it's paying off because I lost weight this morning. I need to continue to loose this weight.

The rest of the month I plan to do an online course and try to feel better mentally. I feel I'm not always here. I can't remember what I'm doing sometimes, but hopefully I will be okay.

anorexia · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · exercise · Food · Health · healthy · hospital · Mental health · Mental health act · Over weight · Overweight · Personality disorder · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

62 days until I want to reach my goal weight.

So I’ve got 62 days which in my head doesn’t sound a lot it makes me think about every little choice I’m making about food and drink.

Current I’m in an acute mental health ward, after completely loosing touch with life. I will admit now that I’m on the right medication I can see how things are and it’s pretty scary. I’m sectioned under section 2 of the mental health act. I still have 16 days on my section, but I’m hoping I will have my tribunal really soon so I can get out of here.

I’ve learnt my lesson don’t stop or mess around with medication.

Anyway back to the weight loss plan…

Well I don’t really have one. I don’t know what I should do, should I follow my own diet plan? Or something like slimming world, I really have no idea.

Any help appreciated.

What I do know I’m going to do.

  • Medication correctly everyday,
  • Caffeine products,
  • Low kcal or no kcal drinks,
  • Drink at least two litres everyday,
  • Aim 10, 000 steps a day, which is difficult in a small ward,
  • I’m not aiming to starve myself, but I know I need to eat less than I burn,
  • When I get out of here gym three times a week,
  • Try to eat as healthy as possible,
  • Weigh myself once a week I think Fridays.

Any other suggestions please help me, I’m aiming to loose a lot of weight.