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Monday 16th October 2017

I’m back in to the local mental health hospital. I had a blood test last week that showed low white blood cells, and because of this I was unable to start clozapine, this is another blood test to see if anything has changed from last week.

I hope they get blood easily, they normally have to try a few times to get enough blood. It’s very frustrating and causes slot of anxiety.

I’m sat in the cafe because they don’t think we are dignified enough to have a waiting room. So it’s going of flows of being busy. It’s making my anxiety going all over the place, but if I go on clozapine I’ve got to get use to waiting here because I will have to do this weekly.

I’m not sure this is the right step for me and is this the sign.

I don’t know what to do, I’ve got my music on and that’s helping me feel calmer, but the voices are talking over it.

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Psychiatrist appointment

Last week I had a psychiatrist appointment, this caused so much anxiety as last time I went three months ago I was sectioned there and then.

But this time was relatively positive, I’m being put in s trial of clozapine, hoping it will treat both my personality disorder and schizophrenia.

I’ve never been on it but running out of antipsychotics that work.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Feel free to comment or email me rosiestar11@yahoo.co.uk

Anxiety · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Nhs · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

I’m 100% sure I’m being spied on!

Okay, so yes in the past my post have been about this but it all calmed down until now I’ve noticed a lot of things have been going on with out me focusing too much on it.

The spiders everywhere, I’m killing and keeping them. EVIDENCE!!!

I want to call the police but they are connected to the government, they will get me locked away somewhere.

I don’t want the government to know I’m on to them.

I know they are probably going to try to get mental health workers involved, and at the moment I’m not seeing them. And collecting my medication from the hospital.

Another problem is the medication I have no clue what they are putting in it other than if I try to stop it makes me have really bad withdrawals.

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Thank you for giving blood, you saved mine and my sisters life.

Giving blood is so important to saving lives, you never know when you or a relative is going to need it to save lives.

Your a hero if you give blood, it’s live saving. That makes you a hero in my eyes.

At 2 my sister was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. (Cancer.) and a blood transfusion saved her many times. So a massive thank you to you!

I’ve also needed a few blood transfusions and without them I wouldn’t be here right now writing this blog post. I thank you from my heart for saving my life.

Even though at times I’ve wanted to die, I’m still 100% grateful for you saving my life. I only had my first blood transfusion under a section, and really resisted it, but it made a massive impact to how I physically felt and then my mental health got better.

I had one a few days ago, and this has made me think about all the hero’s out there. I know I can’t give blood myself but I’m motivated to fundraise for charities and help others in any other way I can.

Im hoping that, that’s my last blood transfusion and I can help others in any possible way.

Don’t worry if you can’t give blood you can still be a hero, there are many other ways to save life’s, fundraising, donating to charity, volunteers, working on research or working for charity’s that fund research.

anorexia · Anxiety · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · exercise · Food · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Over weight · Overweight · Personality disorder · scared · Schizophrenia · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

When did I get fat?

It feels like yesterday I felt thin and was at my lowest weight this year, the next thing I know I’m back into the overweight category.

I hate myself. I see all or nothing.

What I see in the mirror changes everything time even if I saw it seconds ago, it will be different a second later.

I need to get back down to that weight, it means so much to me to try and loose the weight and feel good about myself.

I’m fat, what I see in the mirror is fat, devil, and distorted. It’s scary.

anorexia · Anxiety · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · exercise · Food · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Nhs · Over weight · Overweight · Personality disorder · Schizophrenia · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

Reached in to overweight!

I hate myself so much.

I’m so fat and no one can tell me otherwise, I know my weight.

I need to make changes but I really would like support, if your going through weight loss please me.

I’m disgusting, I need to keep moving, I don’t want to be lazy.

I don’t deserve anything nice.

Help me!