It’s so hard, eating. I feel incredibly guilty and fat, I hate myself.
I’m struggling with solid foods or liquid calories. I’m physically struggling to swallow solid foods, and mentally struggling to drink, drinks with calories. I wish I could drink alcohol with out the guilt, calories and gain benefits.
I wish I could live of Diet Coke. Zero calories, and it dehydrates.
I’m trying to loose weight and be healthy.
Just went to a local supermarket and I didn’t choose chocolate. That’s not like me.
I’m actually proud of myself right now.
Hopefully the scales will thank me in a few weeks.
TRIGGER WARNING…. overdoes, and medication.
Clozapine is being upped to 400mg
400mg which I’m a bit worried about but I think it will be okay. They know what there doing.
My pregabline is being increased next week too.
When will my medication stop being messed around with.
When will I feel better. It’s such a difficult time. I’ve just to try and put trust in to them.
The urge to overdose is really strong.
This is my medication, I’m trying to keep up with remembering to take it.
It’s a struggle.
Saw my support work on the way in to the hospital today. She had been off for a week. Hopefully going to catch up with her later on in the week.
Today my blood pressure was up, I heard talking while having it done increases your blood pressure, it worked.
I’m on 75mg today. And also they have upped the rate of it increasing so I don’t have to wait an extra day so tomorrow it goes up by 50mg in the evening and 75mg in the morning.
I feel a little bit suspicious about everyone, I’m also struggling with the voices and being told to harm. I’m not sure how long I can hold out.
I’m staying here an hour, and then going home until later when I’m having my weekly blood test and blood pressure check.
I’m trying my best to keep hydrated but it’s difficult, I’m not used to drinking a lot, but I’m trying my best, already had a litre and it’s 9:45am.
I’m back in to the local mental health hospital. I had a blood test last week that showed low white blood cells, and because of this I was unable to start clozapine, this is another blood test to see if anything has changed from last week.
I hope they get blood easily, they normally have to try a few times to get enough blood. It’s very frustrating and causes slot of anxiety.
I’m sat in the cafe because they don’t think we are dignified enough to have a waiting room. So it’s going of flows of being busy. It’s making my anxiety going all over the place, but if I go on clozapine I’ve got to get use to waiting here because I will have to do this weekly.
I’m not sure this is the right step for me and is this the sign.
I don’t know what to do, I’ve got my music on and that’s helping me feel calmer, but the voices are talking over it.
Last week I had a psychiatrist appointment, this caused so much anxiety as last time I went three months ago I was sectioned there and then.
But this time was relatively positive, I’m being put in s trial of clozapine, hoping it will treat both my personality disorder and schizophrenia.
I’ve never been on it but running out of antipsychotics that work.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
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