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Update. 26.6.17

I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on. 

I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication. 

Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like. 

I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.

No one understands! 

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My picture semicolon project.

Took this picture over the weekend. 

Your story isn’t over, key fighting! 

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What there up too…

They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in. 

These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for. 

There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed. 

They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die. 

I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared. 

They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others. 

The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me! 

God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil. 

STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!! 

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Cpn today’s appointment. 

My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital. 

I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.

Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control. 

I’m not really sure what my plan is from here. 

The voices have been so bad, I can control them.

I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?! 

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Why can I see them…?

I look up at the ceiling and I see these small spiders scattered around, when I try and focus on one it disappears. But when I look again there everywhere?! It’s so scary, although I’m pretty calm. 

I don’t really know where my head is? Am I alive? 

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I have now officially hit the 1000th post on my blog!

My blog has been with me through some years and some really tough times. 

I will continue to blog regularly, thank you to all my followers and people that read my posts. Love to you all!

YEY… 1000th post! 

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Ive started pregabline. Need to control my weight! 

I started it on Tuesday 75mg morning and night and today is Friday. I feel so hungry all the time. But I do also feel that the anxious feeling i normally have isn’t there.

I do believe it’s helping a lot. Although I’m terrified of the weight gain side effect. 

I’m going to try to eat and drink healthily, but this isn’t always as easy. My weight has been fluctuating between two pounds different all week. Today that 2lbs has been added. But I haven’t been to the toilet in a week. So it could be that.

I really don’t have alot of sugar or fat in my diet. I normally consume between 700-500kcal, and I do try to burn them off but if you look at previous post, I’ve been diagnosed with a heart condition so I’m not sure if it’s safe to exercise and to what extent. My gp wasn’t very helpful. 

The pregabline is planned to be upped on two weeks if my white blood cells stabilise. 

When I first started it it made me feel like I was floating on a cloud, now I just don’t feel anxious even at times that I usually would feel anxious.