As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.
I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.
I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?
I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.
The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.
How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.
I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.
I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.
Yes I'm ill both physically and mentally, but I have a life away from this.
Everyday. When I wake up, I can't help but think that I don't want to live another day with the symptoms, mainly the voices, anxiety, and dizziness are the ones that effect me the most.
Today I'm trying to focus on things I do that aren't related to my illnesses.
I'm spending time with my cats and they are getting a present today, will post a picture later.
I've spoke to my family. I've had a tidy up, I'm going to continue to do blog posts, watching some things that wasn't illness related.
Even though I'm trying really hard to not think about my illnesses or give in to them, The voices are trying their best to get my full attention.
I don't know if I can do this, my life has just been built around the illnesses! I want to be more than them but I don't know how.
Any advice or tips?
This was the last weekend of July and we're back to Monday and the usual routines.
I was planning on spending Saturday on my own but in the end my sister texted me saying all three of my sisters are going bowling do I want to join. At first I was thinking no as mum had upset me the previous day, but that doesn't mean I should take it out on my sisters, so I went.
I had a great time, I helped my youngest sister win the second game she was so happy. She went and picked up my drink at the end so I could finish it. I said "thank you", she said, "it's the least I can do, you helped me win" she is only 10 years old, I think that's so lovely.
I then went back to my parents house with them. Had a great time doing blow art, it was so therapeutic, that's what the picture I'm including will be from. So overall a great day.
Then Sunday I had a massive achievement I went in to a shop and did the food shop with a lot of support, but I did it.
Then took my reborn doll Joshua out for a walk. It chucked it down with rain but it couldn't have been more refreshing feeling the rain roll down my face, and feeling free.
Last this to conclude the weekend, I dyed my hair purple. I know it's just gone 3am but I can't sleep.
Just met my solicitor for my tribunal to get off my section 2, I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing or not?
I’m really scared, it’s all so serious, how will I cope in a tribunal? What are tribunals like?
I enjoy writing blog posts especially as it’s a way to get rid of feelings and to let others know what’s going on.
But I forget to look for other blogsz I’m sure there are loads out there in similar situations and I want to be able to share experiences and keep up with what life is throwing at you. So I’m going to find new blogs to follow, why don’t you join me… search something that relates to you and follow some new amazing blogs. Xx
I had Ward round yesterday, didn’t go as planned I was 100% hopeful I was going to be discharged. I was on level three someone with me at all times. I went in to the ward round believeing I was going home because all the staff that had been me told me I could probably go home. So going in there and coming out with better medication plan, and a plan to possibly someleave if my level two goes okay, so now I’m only checked every 15 minutes, but honestly they don’t keep to that they do it when ever they want roughly around once an hour. So I finally have Privacy to go to the toilet, it’s seriously a luxury.
It will only take one stone to fall and destroy all current progress.
My first few days started off okay was a few blips, but I felt with it okay.
On day two at night things came to much it all built up so much with the thoughts going around and around and the voices taking control that I could no longer control it. I harmed and the alarms were pulled, I did it four times, they had to literally drag me away from the wall. I hate myself for that choice. Since I’ve been put back on level 3 which is where you have no privacy and your followed everywhere, always a member of staff with you one to one.
Yesterday I spoke to my main nurse she was great and had a brilliant idea of when you get worked up go in to the garden and listen to music, shower etc, some good points which I had not thought about. I have no thoughts of harming I just want my medication to be better and then to get out. I want to do a skydive when I get out to make a statement that I want to live my life to the fullest.
I had my first shower last night, it felt amazing. I’m in clean clothes and I’m sat writing this post hoping they will get a doctor so my observations can be re thought about, I would like some privacy.
I need my medication to be sorted, there’s no point being here if they won’t even put me on the correct medication. I’m hoping by getting an advocate this will really help. My point just doesn’t seem to get listen too. Feeling a bit confused at what the point of me being here is if they don’t up my medication.
I miss my cats.