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Scared in my own flat.

As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.

I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.

I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?

I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.

The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.

How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.

I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.

I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.

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Been sectioned.

I’ve been sectioned under section two of the mental health act.

I was going to a routine appointment with my psychiatrist and cpn, then they went out the room and brought mental health act assessments in. And you guessed it I’m now detained under the mental health act. In a mental hospital that I can’t leave, I could be here for 28 days, one day down. 

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What there up too…

They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in. 

These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for. 

There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed. 

They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die. 

I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared. 

They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others. 

The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me! 

God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil. 

STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!! 

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Cpn today’s appointment. 

My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital. 

I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.

Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control. 

I’m not really sure what my plan is from here. 

The voices have been so bad, I can control them.

I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?! 

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I have now officially hit the 1000th post on my blog!

My blog has been with me through some years and some really tough times. 

I will continue to blog regularly, thank you to all my followers and people that read my posts. Love to you all!

YEY… 1000th post! 

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I’m alone and need help.

I’m struggling so much, no one knows or understands what I’m going through. I’m alone and scared. I wish I could talk about what’s holding me back and making me feel so low. But I can’t. I’m no one! 

Anxiety · Cpn · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · God · hallucinations · Health · healthy · hospital · Lonely · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Voices

Haven’t posted in a few days, so here’s an update.

Things have been really tough my day is consumed by anxiety and the voices. Which then leads me on to worrying about the spying. I haven’t really left my flat. But I text the reverent at my local hospital, because I know that if I have a bible, I will be safer way from the spying and them trying to collect my DNA it will make the devil back off. 

I had an appoinment with my cpn, and she was saying she doesn’t feel safe around me with what I was saying. So I wanted to know should I just not tell her so she can’t get scared or carry on telling her the truth. 

 I received a lovely gift yesterday. Picture below, also recieved some other gifts. I’m so lucky. They are perfect, I’m going to start using them in my blog post to try and end on a positive vibe. 


Haven’t weight myself since.

Just spoke to docot about the spying he said I need to believe him, and I tried to call my cpn but she is off sick. I hope that wasn’t because of anything I said.

All but one of the baby fish died they were only a week and half old. 
Got a lot of appointments in the next few weeks.