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Gp change

I have been told a new doctor is joining my surgery and that I have been selected to be on their patient list. I have no choice but maybe it’s a good thing, I was kind of getting to a dead end with current doctor. 

I will miss him, he has been great but, I guess it’s time for a new doctor. 

I want to have lost a lot of weight loss by the time I go and see this new doctor. I want to be A healthy weight and look thin. 

Having a new doctor Will probably mean I contact them less. I’ve got use to my current gp and I feel comfortable with him so call him quite a lot. I think I will try my best to contact them if I need them, but knowing I’ve got a new gp and I don’t know them is putting me off contacting them already. 

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Why do I write what the voices say? 

They hate it when I do it but I feel that it gets out what there saying and that I have the information to go back to of what they said so that I can find the clues and answers. 

It helps in some way, maybe it’s like a problem shared is a problem halved? If that makes any sense?

It helps to write it, it also just flows out of me, pouring the words and commands on to the page. Re-reading the words as if I’ve never heard them before when in reality I’ve heard them so many times I can’t remember.

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Update. 26.6.17

I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on. 

I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication. 

Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like. 

I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.

No one understands! 

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My picture semicolon project.

Took this picture over the weekend. 

Your story isn’t over, key fighting! 

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What there up too…

They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in. 

These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for. 

There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed. 

They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die. 

I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared. 

They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others. 

The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me! 

God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil. 

STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!! 

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Weightloss 

It’s at a gain, the weight is going up and down everyday day, I haven’t really got a set weight at the moment. 

I think if I stop messing around with medication things and my weight will settle down. 

I don’t want to be fat again. 

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Youngest sisters party and the approvments I’ve made

Yesterday was my youngest sister birthday and party, she turns 10. Feels like she is growing up so much. 

She said to me ther gifts I gave her made her life complete. I’m so glad she liked them I painted a few things and then giant inflatables, and a four leaf clover necklace. She was so pleased and happy. 

Then parents and that went to get things ready for the party. I was with the birthday girl and my sister who is 16, it was nice to spend quality time with them, the birthday girl wanted to play with her toys so I was in charge of opening the boxes, whilst also talking to my sister who is 16. She was really upset, she felt like mum and dad aren’t appreciating the tidying she does and that they are constantly going on at her to help. She also really wanted her boyfriend to come to our sisters party but parents said no. She was crying so we had s group hug.

I’m so glad I was there so she could talk to me and express how she was feeling. Her exams finish this week, understandable she is still very stressed about them.

Then I stayed, normally I would have gone home, I find my parents house to overwhelming with all the bad memories and the intense atmosphere.

It was party time at 3pm, I had been at my parents house since 7:30 am, this is a record breaker for how long I would normally stay there. 

Well the party was really busy and stressful but I think due to the pregabline I was able to stay and take control when mum and dad were busy with other things. It was sad to see the birthday girl left out of everything. She is really quiet and shy (like I was) and she was always left out. I made s big deal of making sure she chose what we were doing and when. I think this helped her feel like it was her party, despite the nasty “friends”. There was two nice ones out of I think 13. I feel sorry for her, I’m also glad I was there to talk to her and help her through it as she was pretty stressed. Our parents aren’t very good at this. 

So yer anyway I left there’s at 10:30pm. I stayed there 15 hours. 

At the end my mum said to me I like your new medication your so much better on it and I’m really proud of you today.  This is HUGE! Mum doesn’t compliment me, and she was proud of me. 

So ending on a high, things are slowing getting better on pregabline.