My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital.
I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.
Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control.
I’m not really sure what my plan is from here.
The voices have been so bad, I can control them.
I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?!
My blog has been with me through some years and some really tough times.
I will continue to blog regularly, thank you to all my followers and people that read my posts. Love to you all!
YEY… 1000th post!
I started it on Tuesday 75mg morning and night and today is Friday. I feel so hungry all the time. But I do also feel that the anxious feeling i normally have isn’t there.
I do believe it’s helping a lot. Although I’m terrified of the weight gain side effect.
I’m going to try to eat and drink healthily, but this isn’t always as easy. My weight has been fluctuating between two pounds different all week. Today that 2lbs has been added. But I haven’t been to the toilet in a week. So it could be that.
I really don’t have alot of sugar or fat in my diet. I normally consume between 700-500kcal, and I do try to burn them off but if you look at previous post, I’ve been diagnosed with a heart condition so I’m not sure if it’s safe to exercise and to what extent. My gp wasn’t very helpful.
The pregabline is planned to be upped on two weeks if my white blood cells stabilise.
When I first started it it made me feel like I was floating on a cloud, now I just don’t feel anxious even at times that I usually would feel anxious.
I got past my lowest weight for the first time in years.
I put so much weight on with my antipsychotic medication and drinking alcohol to self medicate when my medication wasn’t working very well. The voices were uncontrollable and I couldn’t live with my thoughts. I was and still am suicidal but the alcohol helped me forget, or at least not concentrate on it. But I was also anorexic before this, one extreme to the other.
I’m at 9:4 stone currently, I’m in the middle of the healthy weight for my age and height, But I want to loose more weight. I’m not happy with how I look or feel. But I’m going to put a lot of effort in to keep loosing weight.
Today I did my first marathon letter to a charity that’s very close to my heart.
I was asking them if I can run the Marathon on there behalf and then raise money for them. I see this as a massive challenge but one I’m really determined to do.
I know there’s such a slim chance I will be chosen but I’m going to put all my effort in.
It was very emotional writing the letter, as I wrote about personal events in my life that has been helped and supported with the NHS services, and why I want to run on there behalf.
I was feeling so unwell with this new medication change, I kept shaking, being really stiff, achey, trouble swallowing, blood pressure all over the place, fast heart rate, headache. This was all because of my medication I’m on an antipsychotic quetiapine.
It’s been upped above the recommended amount to help control my thoughts and voices, I will admit it is helping with that, but the physical effects are making me feel so week, had to go to the mental hospital when my psychiatrist found out what was going on, had a duty doctor check me over and nurse take my blood, they were then sent in a taxi to hospital for urgent results.
Yep that’s right my bloods had a taxi drive.
The duty doctor sent me home with medication and then called me in the night with results. My results weren’t too bad, but they could have been worse. I was worried because they didn’t physically show why I felt so ill.
Now I’m just struggling to cope with the suicidal thoughts and dealing with my own thoughts.
I’m so glad they took me seriously because I was worried they weren’t bothered, but I think it proves they do. I’m starting to feel physically better and I will keep strong.