Over the years my diagnosis have changed, mainly due to recovering from them, when I was younger I was diagnosed with,
I was treated with antidepressants and had a lot of cbt, (cognitive behavioural therapy.) and weekly meetings with my child and adolescents services. The crisis team were involved a lot, but never found them helpful.
I recovered from depression and coped with ocd through therapy and medication.
Anorexia took a little bit longer to recover from I guess when I was 19 I would say I started to recover by eating in front of people and learning to eat in public.
But I soon discovered alcohol and my weight was still an issue in my head but I don’t remember being anorexic and then overweight. It felt like it happened overnight. But now I’m able to look back on pictures and see that it was the alcohol. I was drinking so much alcohol that I was having twice the daily limit of calories. I was soon over weight and currently still am. Although I lost 50 lbs since this time last year, I slipped back down the alcohol spiral a few months ago and that 50lbs is back on.
Currently I am diagnosed with
emotionally unstable personality disorder.
I’m currently taking medication to keep my symptoms under control, and I am supposed to be started on the strongest antipsychotic currently around. I’m hoping this will help me more. As I’m currently not getting enough relief from the one I’m on. I’ve had a few sessions of therapy but the nhs only give you 20 session and that’s not enough to get into deep emotions, symptoms and behaviours.
So I will carry on fighting.
I’ve only included the diagnosis. I have not included any symptoms. I don’t want to trigger any one, so I won’t be including these and the ways I learn to self cope. If I thought they were helpful I would.
I also haven’t included any physical illnesses as my blog is mainly about mental illness.
I have a lot of meaningful songs. Music is constantly helping me. I listen to music so much. I have songs that represent the time or life I’m living. They all have deeper meanings for me.
But currently one song that is meaningful and inspiring is “I am here” by pink.
It talks about being here and asking the bigger question “where do we go, when we go” to me this means when we die where do we go. This is an important question to me as I hope and pray when I die I can be reunited with my nan and meet my brother. I hope this place is heaven.
I literally have nothing to live for. What am I doing with me life? Nothing, and I’m trying to think about it, why am I alive, why?
I don’t know if I can carry on?
I’ve just had a memory come back to me…
I was 12 and in hospital after an operation and I caught the superbug clostridium difficile.
My youngest sister at the time was 2 and had cancer and was also in hospital. They were able to move our beds to be in rooms next to each other on the children’s ward while we both in hospital but still having another sister at home. My dad was at home with that sister and mum stayed in hospital at night with me and my sister who had cancer.
My mum never really spent any time in my room with me, she was always with my sister. I felt so scared and alone. I had to go through the treatment with out her. I was in pain emotionally and physically.
Things haven’t really changed mum doesn’t pay much attention to me unless she can be in the limelight. All three of my sisters get attention from mum. I don’t see her for weeks and she doesn’t even bother to text to see if I’m ok or even alive.
My sister who had cancer is currently in remission and doing really well.
I’m well aware that people might believe cancer is worse than the superbug and you may be right. Also my sister being a lot younger may mean you think I’m being selfish and you won’t understand this post.
If I was able to know then what I know now I would change a lot.
I would never have self harmed, I would have looked after my body, and I would have wished not to have mental illness.
I guess having mental illness is why my life is currently the way it is. If I was able to not suffer from mental illness I would have nothing in my way. I would have been able to do my dream jobs.
I’m willing to accept in this statement about what I would change, mental illness isn’t one of those things.
But changing the way I look after my body is in my control. I wouldn’t have staved it for years and then drink double the amount of calories a day in alcohol and go to anorexic to over weight in a matter of a year. I would keep up my fitness and not damage my body in the ways I have in self harming.
I would have learnt to be more assertive a lot earlier, I think this would have helped me to not sit back when I was being bullied and leave it until it gets to the very end when police were involved.
I would have been brave. I would have been me!
I’ve got s dehumidifier in my room, and it can only be turns on when it’s plugged in, (which it is,) and the knob turned to 10 which mean on. (Which it isn’t )
So how the hell did it turn on, on it’s own and wake me up.
Yes I’m freaking out, I’ve got my torch on and the lights. I just don’t understand how it could turn on?
I hate it, they are a family without me.
I’m no longer included in family life events, I’m the last to find out anything that’s going on. Maybe that’s for the best.
But anyway for now I will sit here alone, while they are all probably round the kitchen table eating dinner.
I don’t want to be the only one trying, I’m giving them the option to talk to me, but I’m nothing to them, not worthy enough for there attention, or to even be in their thoughts.
I want to drink to get away from this. But I don’t want the calories.
I should never have logged in.