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Why do I write what the voices say? 

They hate it when I do it but I feel that it gets out what there saying and that I have the information to go back to of what they said so that I can find the clues and answers. 

It helps in some way, maybe it’s like a problem shared is a problem halved? If that makes any sense?

It helps to write it, it also just flows out of me, pouring the words and commands on to the page. Re-reading the words as if I’ve never heard them before when in reality I’ve heard them so many times I can’t remember.

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My picture semicolon project.

Took this picture over the weekend. 

Your story isn’t over, key fighting! 

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What there up too…

They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in. 

These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for. 

There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed. 

They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die. 

I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared. 

They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others. 

The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me! 

God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil. 

STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!! 

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Weightloss 

It’s at a gain, the weight is going up and down everyday day, I haven’t really got a set weight at the moment. 

I think if I stop messing around with medication things and my weight will settle down. 

I don’t want to be fat again. 

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Cpn today’s appointment. 

My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital. 

I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.

Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control. 

I’m not really sure what my plan is from here. 

The voices have been so bad, I can control them.

I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?! 

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I have now officially hit the 1000th post on my blog!

My blog has been with me through some years and some really tough times. 

I will continue to blog regularly, thank you to all my followers and people that read my posts. Love to you all!

YEY… 1000th post! 

anorexia · Anxiety · Daily update · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Nhs · Now · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

Doctors appointment on Friday. 

I went to my doctor because I keep collapsing, but instead I got a lecture. 

He noticed how much weight I had lost but when he found out my bmi is okay he wasn’t bothered. 

He said that I need to find my path and focus in life. I came to talk to him about collapsing and I get a lecture on life. He said you have your driving licence and been on holiday (which was years ago) why are you still struggling… I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS…. a holiday and licence doesn’t cure it! He just doesn’t get this! 

He told me I should move out of the area, thinks that will help. And told me to turn to religion. 

He told me it’s really hard to get in the health bmi so I should be happy but wanted to give me steroids to make me hungry so I would eat more and not go down in to underweight. I haven’t got a problem with being hungry, I’ve got a problem with eating calories. 

In the end he told me I keep collapsing because lack of food, the fluid diluted my blood. Low blood sugar and low blood pressure and low heamaglobin and iron. 

Even though I told him I can’t let myself eat fatty foods he continued to tell me to eat more. I’m sat in front of you physically telling you I’m scared of calories and all I get it eat more. 

Wow that was a really awful appointment. 

I used to get on really well with him but now he just doesn’t understand.