My first few days started off okay was a few blips, but I felt with it okay.
On day two at night things came to much it all built up so much with the thoughts going around and around and the voices taking control that I could no longer control it. I harmed and the alarms were pulled, I did it four times, they had to literally drag me away from the wall. I hate myself for that choice. Since I’ve been put back on level 3 which is where you have no privacy and your followed everywhere, always a member of staff with you one to one.
Yesterday I spoke to my main nurse she was great and had a brilliant idea of when you get worked up go in to the garden and listen to music, shower etc, some good points which I had not thought about. I have no thoughts of harming I just want my medication to be better and then to get out. I want to do a skydive when I get out to make a statement that I want to live my life to the fullest.
I had my first shower last night, it felt amazing. I’m in clean clothes and I’m sat writing this post hoping they will get a doctor so my observations can be re thought about, I would like some privacy.
I need my medication to be sorted, there’s no point being here if they won’t even put me on the correct medication. I’m hoping by getting an advocate this will really help. My point just doesn’t seem to get listen too. Feeling a bit confused at what the point of me being here is if they don’t up my medication.
I miss my cats.
I’ve been sectioned under section two of the mental health act.
I was going to a routine appointment with my psychiatrist and cpn, then they went out the room and brought mental health act assessments in. And you guessed it I’m now detained under the mental health act. In a mental hospital that I can’t leave, I could be here for 28 days, one day down.
They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in.
These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for.
There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed.
They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die.
I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared.
They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others.
The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me!
God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil.
STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!!
My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital.
I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.
Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control.
I’m not really sure what my plan is from here.
The voices have been so bad, I can control them.
I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?!
My blog has been with me through some years and some really tough times.
I will continue to blog regularly, thank you to all my followers and people that read my posts. Love to you all!
YEY… 1000th post!
Things are really tough at the moment.
I feel so alone and scared. It’s hurting me. I feel my heart falling apart and my body failing me.
I wish my family wanted me and cared about me.
I’m struggling to keep myself from ending it all. I’m not sure if that’s me being brave, or me being stupid. Would it be better too fly away quickly and painlessly.
I’m sorry for going on and lack of posts but my life is falling apart right in front of me.
Mum would make us eat all our meal if we had a take away like McDonald’s, only after we had finished all the food would we be allowed a drink. It’s like the drink was a luxury and not an essential.
It’s like that for a lot of things, if we’re out we can’t drink incase we needed the toilet, or we could only drink if we have ate everything we are meant to.
It’s thought food is connected with love.