brother · Maternity · Mental health · Miscarriage · Past · Pregnancy

I felt you kick.

I remember back 14 years ago feeling you kick from inside out mums womb.

I never had any idea you would die soon after.

I feel very responsible it your death, just if I hadn’t cause mum the stress you may be here with us, getting ready for Christmas.

After mum having four girls we were so excited to have you as our brother.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.

Sleep tight little one.

I wish I had held you, given you a great big hug, so you knew how loved you are.

I visit your resting place often, and I always want to come and join you in heaven.

I remember the day you were born, seeing my mum crouched in the corner, shouting that I had killed you, her son.

I love you. I’m sorry,

💙

anorexia · Anxiety · Dad · family · Food · healthy · i did it · Mental health · Mum · Past · Sisters

Invited to dinner with my family.

My dad texted me inviting me to a meal with them, this is just how things are now, I don’t feel welcome around there without an invite.

It brightened my day he even came and picked me up. Had a lovely time with them.

I haven’t had a roast since last Christmas, so 10 months. I really enjoyed it and dad was happy to see a clean plate from me, as the times I’ve eaten over there I’ve either been in the grips of anorexia or thinking my food has been poisoned.

Anxiety · brother · family · Mental health · Miscarriage · Past

You’d be 14 today.

Hey beautiful brother,

You’d be 14 today, in secondary school and no doubt racing with the youngest two sisters.

My heart hurts for you each day, there isn’t a day that goes but that I don’t think of you, and that moment I found out you had died.

You will always be my brother, I’m so sorry.

Today I will visit your grave as always, this year I will light s candle, put this years bracelet on to remind me of you and making you proud, and I will make a wish when I blow the candle out, I will leave you a new plaque and card.

I will make you proud. I will be the kindness in the world that wasn’t there when you were taken away.

Sleep tight little one.

I love you so much baby brother. 💙

anorexia · Anxiety · Charity · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · depression · Diary · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · exercise · Future · hallucinations · Health · healthy · hospital · Lonely · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Nhs · Past · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

10th September suicide prevention day.

10th September is suicide awareness day, but it’s also my birthday.

I feel really passionate about it being suicide awareness day, I’ve attempted suicide many times, as you’ve probably guessed I didn’t succeed.

I want to help others who feel they need to attempt suicide or are thinking about it.

I can’t say your life will be smooth and that there won’t be struggles because that’s unrealistic, but I can say your not alone. There are loads of charities out there that want to help YOU! And I’m here if you want to talk through how your feeling.

I care.

https://www.awarenessdays.com/awareness-days-calendar/world-suicide-prevention-day-2017/

https://www.samaritans.org/media-centre/our-campaigns/world-suicide-prevention-day

anorexia · Anxiety · beauty · depression · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · exercise · Health · healthy · Mental health · Over weight · Overweight · Past · Personality disorder · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

I don’t want any more scars.

I’m so embarrassed in front on my own family. I hate how I look, fat, stretch marks and scars self inflicted and non self inflicted.

I will never get the chance to go back in time and not hurt myself, or back in time about going to one extreme of eating disorder to the other.

I do want to try to love my body, here’s 3 things I love about my body…

  • My tattoos,
  • My legs when they’ve been shaved and feel smooth,
  • The colour of my hair,

Now it’s your turn…

Comment three things you love about your body… ❤️

Anxiety · Carer · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · depression · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · hallucinations · Health · healthy · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Nhs · Now · Past · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

Day 4 of being sectioned.

My first few days started off okay was a few blips, but I felt with it okay. 

On day two at night things came to much it all built up so much with the thoughts going around and around and the voices taking control that I could no longer control it. I harmed and the alarms were pulled, I did it four times, they had to literally drag me away from the wall. I hate myself for that choice. Since I’ve been put back on level 3 which is where you have no privacy and your followed everywhere, always a member of staff with you one to one. 

Yesterday I spoke to my main nurse she was great and had a brilliant idea of when you get worked up go in to the garden and listen to music, shower etc, some good points which I had not thought about. I have no thoughts of harming I just want my medication to be better and then to get out. I want to do a skydive when I get out to make a statement that I want to live my life to the fullest.

I had my first shower last night, it felt amazing. I’m in clean clothes and I’m sat writing this post hoping they will get a doctor so my observations can be re thought about, I would like some privacy. 

I need my medication to be sorted, there’s no point being here if they won’t even put me on the correct medication. I’m hoping by getting an advocate this will really help. My point just doesn’t seem to get listen too. Feeling a bit confused at what the point of me being here is if they don’t up my medication.
I miss my cats.