As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.
I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.
I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?
I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.
The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.
How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.
I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.
I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.
Yes I'm ill both physically and mentally, but I have a life away from this.
Everyday. When I wake up, I can't help but think that I don't want to live another day with the symptoms, mainly the voices, anxiety, and dizziness are the ones that effect me the most.
Today I'm trying to focus on things I do that aren't related to my illnesses.
I'm spending time with my cats and they are getting a present today, will post a picture later.
I've spoke to my family. I've had a tidy up, I'm going to continue to do blog posts, watching some things that wasn't illness related.
Even though I'm trying really hard to not think about my illnesses or give in to them, The voices are trying their best to get my full attention.
I don't know if I can do this, my life has just been built around the illnesses! I want to be more than them but I don't know how.
Any advice or tips?
It's been some really stressful two weeks since I received the letter in the post about going to a face to face assessment for my Benifits.
I've now had the assessment, but I remember the day I received the letter it was in a white envelope instead of brown so it was completely unexpected. I sat on my bed and as I read it I burst out crying, it was my worst night mare. Instantly I was full with fear, anxiety, and dread. I felt like I had to prove I was ill, which I think is unfair.
My carer help me put so much before before the interview, in to writing the possible questions and answers. Just to take the pressure off when we went.
The person I saw was ok. It started off with being questioned about everyday things.
Too be honest I have no idea why they asked the questions they did I don't feel they didn't gave an insight in to what I'm dealing with and how I live my life.
I wasn't asked much questions as I previously thought I would be.
Plus the appointment time got changed on the day which was really terrifying and difficult to deal with.
I'm happy it's over but I don't believe the face to face assessment will give the dwp any extra information about my illness and how my daily life is.
I've now got weeks until a reply is expected and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stop worrying about it.
What's you experienced of the uk benefit system?
I believe it was a planed plot to get me in to hospital so that they can do what ever tests and gather information about me that they want. I feel safe and unsafe, mainly from the staff.
I did have an incident when I was here one night, things just got too much for me, but I think that's for another blog post.
I was just going for an outpatient crisis appointment planned meeting with my psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse, and cousin/carer.
I did not for one second think walking in to this hospital for normal meeting that I wouldn't be able to leave. I didn't say good bye to my cats or have there food out and plans in place.
I was so shocked I walked from the outpatient floor to the acute psychiatric inpatient ward, with out thinking or even remembering how did I get here, I think a few days later it final set in that I was here and sectioned under the mental health act and that I wouldn't be able to leave and have no idea of when I will get out?
This is Dangerous I'm being told, I think it's because I get so distracted by the voices I forget where I am, how I got from one place to another and I forget to check the roads as I cross. I crossed in the middle of the road by a bus, I just forgot to look.
Walking too far, I've tried to walk a lot to feel free, and safe. But I'm trying to figure out do I feel safer inside or outside.
Physically feeling faint and weak, I still try and push myself but it's hard to remember the length I've walked I've got to do again to get home.
I lie to get out it it's only me that looses as I still feel like rubbish whether I'm in hospital or home.
Medication change was the plan but I'm just starting to be able to loose the weight again. So do I really want to mess that up again?
This month has been quite busy.
I was discharged off my section.
I was able to spend my day with my dad on his 50th birthday. I'm so glad it was such a special day. I got a photo with him and it makes me so happy when I look at it.
Yesterday I did a lot of walking.
I have been gaining a lot of weight basically a pound a day, which I've put down too the changes in my medication. I've been eating and exercising the same. Until now.
Im trying to get a lot more exercise done and calories burnt. I think it's paying off because I lost weight this morning. I need to continue to loose this weight.
The rest of the month I plan to do an online course and try to feel better mentally. I feel I'm not always here. I can't remember what I'm doing sometimes, but hopefully I will be okay.