I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on.
I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication.
Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like.
I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.
No one understands!
They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in.
These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for.
There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed.
They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die.
I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared.
They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others.
The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me!
God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil.
STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!!
My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital.
I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.
Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control.
I’m not really sure what my plan is from here.
The voices have been so bad, I can control them.
I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?!
I know they are after me and they know where I am and what I’m doing I’m trying to get on with my day and also throw them off my back, so They can’t track where I am, I need to be different, they would expect me to stay in my flat with doors locked. And them not knowing what’s going on.
I need to be smarted and cleverer than them.
I can’t trust anyone.
My blog has been with me through some years and some really tough times.
I will continue to blog regularly, thank you to all my followers and people that read my posts. Love to you all!
YEY… 1000th post!
My medication has now changed, still on 1000mg of quetiapine a day, split in to two 500mg doses. And 9mg diazepam, 4mg in morning and 5mg at night. But today pregabline has been added at 75mg twice a day, which if my white blood cells are okay at my next blood test this will be upped.
I’ve waited for this change for ages and now I’m terrified but also glad. I hope it helps.
So this weekend I went to the beach as a passenger in a car, but you might not know the Answer to the title…
Well a few weeks ago I attempted to jump out of a car going 70mph. I had just had enough and so overwhelmed with the voices.
Since this I have been on a motorway, especially as it was my carer driving both the time I tried to jump out and this weekend.
I do feel a bit safer but it can change so quickly and it’s impulsive. Although it is mainly from so many things building up on me.
Anyway it was nice to be at the beach although I was convinced there was going to be a tsunami in the U.K.