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Scared in my own flat.

As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.

I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.

I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?

I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.

The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.

How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.

I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.

I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.

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I’m more than my illnesses.

Yes I'm ill both physically and mentally, but I have a life away from this.

Everyday. When I wake up, I can't help but think that I don't want to live another day with the symptoms, mainly the voices, anxiety, and dizziness are the ones that effect me the most.

Today I'm trying to focus on things I do that aren't related to my illnesses.

I'm spending time with my cats and they are getting a present today, will post a picture later.

I've spoke to my family. I've had a tidy up, I'm going to continue to do blog posts, watching some things that wasn't illness related.

Even though I'm trying really hard to not think about my illnesses or give in to them, The voices are trying their best to get my full attention.

I don't know if I can do this, my life has just been built around the illnesses! I want to be more than them but I don't know how.

Any advice or tips?

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Been out walking.

This is Dangerous I'm being told, I think it's because I get so distracted by the voices I forget where I am, how I got from one place to another and I forget to check the roads as I cross. I crossed in the middle of the road by a bus, I just forgot to look.

Walking too far, I've tried to walk a lot to feel free, and safe. But I'm trying to figure out do I feel safer inside or outside.

Physically feeling faint and weak, I still try and push myself but it's hard to remember the length I've walked I've got to do again to get home.

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Mental health tribunal solicitor

Just met my solicitor for my tribunal to get off my section 2, I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing or not? 

I’m really scared, it’s all so serious, how will I cope in a tribunal? What are tribunals like? 

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How I think my parents sees me being in the psychiatric hospital? 

Today I’ve been in an acute psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve been in this hospital and some others many times, but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially when your parents don’t support you. 

Today my dad sent me a text saying that all he wants for his birthday is for me to be out of hospital. Switch it round for a second if I had cancer like my sister did he wouldn’t want to rush me out of the hospital. So why is it so different in a mental hospital. 

I’m in a psychiatric hospital not a prison and it’s not a punishment, I’m here to get better because I became more unwell. Where do you go when you feel unwell, to the doctors or hospital, that’s what’s happened to me. 

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Week one over of being sectioned.

… three more to go. 

Today I have filled in the paper work to appealed my section. 

I’ve been in here a week I got my first walk off the ward escorted, we went to a near by park, was allowed only half an hour. It was good for feel the sun shining on my face and hearing all the “normal” noises I would hear at home. Here the windows are so thick you can’t hear much of the outside. 

I’m now hoping I can have an hour to go home today with my cousin/carer, but no one seems to know what’s going on. It’s frustrating me that I don’t know if I can go or not. 

No one knows the same things, and everyone tells me something different. It’s so frustrating, not knowing what’s going on. 

Spoke to a lady from the advocacy place, and we talked about my consaltant is now off for two weeks, so I’m terrified I will be kept here forever. I need to know when ward round is? Who’s doing it? And when can I leave? Or get off my section. 

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Update. 26.6.17

I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on. 

I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication. 

Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like. 

I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.

No one understands!