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TRIGGER WARNING-scars

I’ve self harmed for years, every scar has a story and meaning. They are evidence of surviving and my life. I had this tattoo designed by scratch, the flame symbolising my brother who’s not here, and all three of my sisters chose a flower. So my arm has been changed from showing my scars and story to the love of my family

Tattoo covering my scars up.

First pic my scars… second the design…the finished tattoo.

anorexia · Anxiety · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · Food · Health · healthy · Mental health · self harm · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

I can’t do it!

It’s so hard, eating. I feel incredibly guilty and fat, I hate myself.

I’m struggling with solid foods or liquid calories. I’m physically struggling to swallow solid foods, and mentally struggling to drink, drinks with calories. I wish I could drink alcohol with out the guilt, calories and gain benefits.

I wish I could live of Diet Coke. Zero calories, and it dehydrates.

Anxiety · clozapine · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Future · hallucinations · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm · Support worker · Voices

Medication to survive.

I hate the fact that I have to take medication to be sane.

Would I rather be who I really am with no medication or this fake medicated self.

Maybe I want the voices, maybe I want to not know what’s real, may be I want to feel free and feel I have no responsibilities.

I wish I was free.

No medication.

No rules.

Just me!

Anxiety · clozapine · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · Health · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · scared · self harm

Medication was changed on Thursday.

TRIGGER WARNING…. overdoes, and medication.

Clozapine is being upped to 400mg

400mg which I’m a bit worried about but I think it will be okay. They know what there doing.

My pregabline is being increased next week too.

When will my medication stop being messed around with.

When will I feel better. It’s such a difficult time. I’ve just to try and put trust in to them.

The urge to overdose is really strong.

clozapine · Daily update · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm · Voices

Day 8. Clozapine. 30.10.17

Saw my support work on the way in to the hospital today. She had been off for a week. Hopefully going to catch up with her later on in the week.

Today my blood pressure was up, I heard talking while having it done increases your blood pressure, it worked.

I’m on 75mg today. And also they have upped the rate of it increasing so I don’t have to wait an extra day so tomorrow it goes up by 50mg in the evening and 75mg in the morning.

I feel a little bit suspicious about everyone, I’m also struggling with the voices and being told to harm. I’m not sure how long I can hold out.

I’m staying here an hour, and then going home until later when I’m having my weekly blood test and blood pressure check.

I’m trying my best to keep hydrated but it’s difficult, I’m not used to drinking a lot, but I’m trying my best, already had a litre and it’s 9:45am.

Anxiety · clozapine · delusions · depression · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices · Weight · weight gain

What’s your clozapine stories??

I start tomorrow and would love some advice or information about what to expect?

Thank you. X

You can leave a comment or message me rosiestar11@yahoo.co.uk

Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · Health · healthy · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Monday 16th October 2017

I’m back in to the local mental health hospital. I had a blood test last week that showed low white blood cells, and because of this I was unable to start clozapine, this is another blood test to see if anything has changed from last week.

I hope they get blood easily, they normally have to try a few times to get enough blood. It’s very frustrating and causes slot of anxiety.

I’m sat in the cafe because they don’t think we are dignified enough to have a waiting room. So it’s going of flows of being busy. It’s making my anxiety going all over the place, but if I go on clozapine I’ve got to get use to waiting here because I will have to do this weekly.

I’m not sure this is the right step for me and is this the sign.

I don’t know what to do, I’ve got my music on and that’s helping me feel calmer, but the voices are talking over it.