Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · Future · God · hallucinations · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Scared in my own flat.

As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.

I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.

I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?

I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.

The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.

How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.

I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.

I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.

Anxiety · Daily update · delusions · depression · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · hallucinations · Health · healthy · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

I’m more than my illnesses.

Yes I'm ill both physically and mentally, but I have a life away from this.

Everyday. When I wake up, I can't help but think that I don't want to live another day with the symptoms, mainly the voices, anxiety, and dizziness are the ones that effect me the most.

Today I'm trying to focus on things I do that aren't related to my illnesses.

I'm spending time with my cats and they are getting a present today, will post a picture later.

I've spoke to my family. I've had a tidy up, I'm going to continue to do blog posts, watching some things that wasn't illness related.

Even though I'm trying really hard to not think about my illnesses or give in to them, The voices are trying their best to get my full attention.

I don't know if I can do this, my life has just been built around the illnesses! I want to be more than them but I don't know how.

Any advice or tips?

Anxiety · Daily update · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychosis · Schizophrenia · self harm

Pip face to face assessment.

It's been some really stressful two weeks since I received the letter in the post about going to a face to face assessment for my Benifits.

I've now had the assessment, but I remember the day I received the letter it was in a white envelope instead of brown so it was completely unexpected. I sat on my bed and as I read it I burst out crying, it was my worst night mare. Instantly I was full with fear, anxiety, and dread. I felt like I had to prove I was ill, which I think is unfair.

My carer help me put so much before before the interview, in to writing the possible questions and answers. Just to take the pressure off when we went.

The person I saw was ok. It started off with being questioned about everyday things.

Too be honest I have no idea why they asked the questions they did I don't feel they didn't gave an insight in to what I'm dealing with and how I live my life.

I wasn't asked much questions as I previously thought I would be.

Plus the appointment time got changed on the day which was really terrifying and difficult to deal with.

I'm happy it's over but I don't believe the face to face assessment will give the dwp any extra information about my illness and how my daily life is.

I've now got weeks until a reply is expected and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stop worrying about it.

What's you experienced of the uk benefit system?

Anxiety · Carer · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Nhs · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Why was I admitted to an acute psychiatric hospital?

I believe it was a planed plot to get me in to hospital so that they can do what ever tests and gather information about me that they want. I feel safe and unsafe, mainly from the staff. 

I did have an incident when I was here one night, things just got too much for me, but I think that's for another blog post. 

I was just going for an outpatient crisis appointment planned meeting with my psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse, and cousin/carer. 

I did not for one second think walking in to this hospital for normal meeting that I wouldn't be able to leave. I didn't say good bye to my cats or have there food out and plans in place. 

I was so shocked I walked from the outpatient floor to the acute psychiatric inpatient ward, with out thinking or even remembering how did I get here, I think a few days later it final set in that I was here and sectioned under the mental health act and that I wouldn't be able to leave and have no idea of when I will get out? 

anorexia · Anxiety · Carer · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · depression · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · exercise · family · Food · Future · hallucinations · Health · healthy · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Nhs · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

I like to blog but forget to look for other blogs? Is it just me.

I enjoy writing blog posts especially as it’s a way to get rid of feelings and to let others know what’s going on. 

But I forget to look for other blogsz I’m sure there are loads out there in similar situations and I want to be able to share experiences and keep up with what life is throwing at you. So I’m going to find new blogs to follow, why don’t you join me… search something that relates to you and follow some new amazing blogs. Xx

Anxiety · cancer · Dad · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · family · hallucinations · Health · healthy · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Mum · Now · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · Sisters

How I think my parents sees me being in the psychiatric hospital? 

Today I’ve been in an acute psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve been in this hospital and some others many times, but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially when your parents don’t support you. 

Today my dad sent me a text saying that all he wants for his birthday is for me to be out of hospital. Switch it round for a second if I had cancer like my sister did he wouldn’t want to rush me out of the hospital. So why is it so different in a mental hospital. 

I’m in a psychiatric hospital not a prison and it’s not a punishment, I’m here to get better because I became more unwell. Where do you go when you feel unwell, to the doctors or hospital, that’s what’s happened to me. 

anorexia · Anxiety · Carer · Daily update · delusions · depression · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · hallucinations · Health · healthy · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Mental health act · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices · Weight · weight gain · weight loss · weightloss

Sectioned day five 23 to go? 

I had Ward round yesterday, didn’t go as planned I was 100% hopeful I was going to be discharged. I was on level three someone with me at all times. I went in to the ward round believeing I was going home because all the staff that had been me told me I could probably go home. So going in there and coming out with better medication plan, and a plan to possibly someleave if my level two goes okay, so now I’m only checked every 15 minutes, but honestly they don’t keep to that they do it when ever they want roughly around once an hour. So I finally have Privacy to go to the toilet,  it’s seriously a luxury.

It will only take one stone to fall and destroy all current progress.