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Monday 16th October 2017

I’m back in to the local mental health hospital. I had a blood test last week that showed low white blood cells, and because of this I was unable to start clozapine, this is another blood test to see if anything has changed from last week.

I hope they get blood easily, they normally have to try a few times to get enough blood. It’s very frustrating and causes slot of anxiety.

I’m sat in the cafe because they don’t think we are dignified enough to have a waiting room. So it’s going of flows of being busy. It’s making my anxiety going all over the place, but if I go on clozapine I’ve got to get use to waiting here because I will have to do this weekly.

I’m not sure this is the right step for me and is this the sign.

I don’t know what to do, I’ve got my music on and that’s helping me feel calmer, but the voices are talking over it.

Anxiety · Daily update · delusions · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · hallucinations · hospital · Medication · Mental health · Nhs · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · Schizophrenia · Sectioned · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

I’m 100% sure I’m being spied on!

Okay, so yes in the past my post have been about this but it all calmed down until now I’ve noticed a lot of things have been going on with out me focusing too much on it.

The spiders everywhere, I’m killing and keeping them. EVIDENCE!!!

I want to call the police but they are connected to the government, they will get me locked away somewhere.

I don’t want the government to know I’m on to them.

I know they are probably going to try to get mental health workers involved, and at the moment I’m not seeing them. And collecting my medication from the hospital.

Another problem is the medication I have no clue what they are putting in it other than if I try to stop it makes me have really bad withdrawals.

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Blog post on schizophrenia for Rethink.

Rethink is a mental health charity mainly based in the uk.  

https://www.rethink.org/

https://www.rethink.org/about-us/the-schizophrenia-commission

They were asking for information and being able to speak to people who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I thought I’d share my story, with all the good and bad.

I remember I had been sectioned under the mental health act. I was 21, and this wasn’t the first time or the last time I was sectioned. I’ve lost count of which admission it was.

I was sat on my inpatient bed after a ward round. I was so confused about what had been said. A nurse doing the 15 minute checks on me could see I was distressed. I thought I had spiders crawling over me, I was trying to shake them off, then the nurse came and asked if I was okay and what was I distressed about.

She was trying to calm me down by saying there were no spiders, and I was seeing them because I have schizophrenia. Honestly, I really wasn’t sure what was real or not. She could have made it up but it turns out it was the spiders that weren’t real. The nurse asked if I wanted any information on it, I said yes and asked when was I diagnosed?

She said don’t you remember, you were just told in your ward round. I honestly couldn’t remember.

The nurse brought in some information and sat on my bed trying to explain it, I can’t remember any of it. I was so disconnected that I didn’t have a clue what was going on. Looking back on it now I must have been really scared.

Since that day the label of schizophrenia has been pulling me in every direction possible.

There are good and bad days. I speak to God which I see as positive, I feel special and I feel it’s an extra layer of protection from the experiences of being spied on (which I have been told is a delusion and that no one is spying on me, but I don’t believe them).

Some of the other spymptoms I experience due to this illness can be really scary, This makes me feel that I no longer want to live. I won’t go through them one by one as there’s loads of information from charities and the NHS about schizophrenia.

Writing this is taking a lot of concentration and confusion, in trying to work out what’s me and what’s the illness. I’m confused about what are symptoms and what is real life. I’ve had to ask for help from family to help me explain what goes on and what’s symptoms of the illness.

Is it like some physical illnesses where treatment can make you better or worse? This is the question I ask. But recently I was told to prepare to be on medication the rest of my life. I feel this is a major setback but I’m trying to get used to it.

It all started before the age of 21 when I was diagnosed. My symptoms have been going on for years. I’m currently 24 and still getting to grips with medication, and struggling with how to deal with every day situations. However, I have learnt that medication plays a big role in recovery for me. It helps dampen down the psychosis, which means I’m able to tell more what’s real and what’s not. It has taken me many years to figure out what medication to take, it’s been a lot of trial and error. I’ve tried alot of them. Some had really bad side effects, some were okay but didn’t help me enough. I’m currently on quetiapine XR, which is the slow release one. It only has a few side effects and works well for me, although I am on 1000mg which is above the recommended amount. The main side effect which affected me was weight gain. I put on 5 stone, this may also have been because I wasn’t getting enough relief from the medication so I started drinking alcohol to help me deal with it. It worked short term but contributed to me putting on loads of weight. I’ve managed to loose almost all the weight I gained.

Even now four years later my medication is starting to have less effect but I know that if I stop it I will get all the symptoms back. I hear voices, see things that aren’t real. Basically the life that I’m living I’m not sure what’s real and not, like a nightmare which you can’t wake up from or always being on high alert, with fight or flight working. It’s so scary, you think what you’re thinking, seeing and hearing is real, and you lose time. I sometimes can’t remember days or weeks at a time. You don’t question it not being real, there’s no explanation to show you that what you’re experiencing isn’t real. It’s terrifying. It’s a living nightmare, and the worse bit is I know the medication helps me live a more normal life yet I still stop taking it, from listening to the voices or my thoughts thinking it’s not what I’m told it is.

My family and friends really haven’t been that supportive. I think they just couldn’t get to grips with the whole concept of being mentally unwell and how it affected me. This lead to me not being included in a lot of things. And also I started to isolate myself more and more. I’m currently trying to build my relationship back up with my family. Throughout all of this my cousin has been my carer and helped me at times when I’ve pushed my family away and was very unwell.

They don’t know how to act or how to talk to me. I feel pushed out of the family, and events. But I’m working on that.

Although being diagnosed was horrible it’s not the end of the world. I’m getting better at knowing what I need to do and how to accept the help from my local mental health team and family.

I’m looking forward to the future, where I aim to hold down my dream job of helping others with special educational needs and mental health difficulties.

I can see a future now it’s all getting better and under control.

Image shown is from the rethink website.

Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · Future · God · hallucinations · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Scared in my own flat.

As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.

I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.

I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?

I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.

The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.

How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.

I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.

I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.