Anxiety · Cpn · Daily update · delusions · Diary · Disappointment · Doctors · Emotionally unstable personality disorder · Emotions · Future · God · hallucinations · Medication · Mental health · Personality disorder · psychiatrist · psychosis · scared · Schizophrenia · self harm · spying · Support worker · Therapy · Voices

Scared in my own flat.

As soon as I wake up the voices are talking and warning me about potential harm. It's not like in the films when waking up is dreamy and the sun shining through the window and perfectly dressed with make up. It's also not like the dramatic horror films.

I'm scared to be by the windows, I like trying to hide in the corner, I move my furniture around in a way that the window isn't directly shining on where I could or want to sit. But I know no where is safe, the spyders can reach all the places people can't. They are able to hide better.

I had planned to go to a local church, the voices are saying I will be safe there away from all the people spying on me. But I'm too scared to get there, and there are windows in the church, will I be safe? Is that where God will protect me?

I keep seeing the spyders more, I can see there eyes piercings through my body.

The shadows are drifting past the doors, there's no way I can relax. I'm so anxious because I don't really know what harm I am in.

How can I keep myself safe in my own flat? I can't escape from the voices, but why are the voices warning me about people wanting to harm me but they want me to harm myself and get closer to God/death.

I really don't believe I can die, which makes me push the boundaries of life and death in my own body. It's kinda an experiment. The thought of not being able to die scares me, I don't want to be left here, watching all those I love die around me. I won't cope with that.

I would really appreciate some time to myself, with no voices, no visions, and not being scared.

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I’m more than my illnesses.

Yes I'm ill both physically and mentally, but I have a life away from this.

Everyday. When I wake up, I can't help but think that I don't want to live another day with the symptoms, mainly the voices, anxiety, and dizziness are the ones that effect me the most.

Today I'm trying to focus on things I do that aren't related to my illnesses.

I'm spending time with my cats and they are getting a present today, will post a picture later.

I've spoke to my family. I've had a tidy up, I'm going to continue to do blog posts, watching some things that wasn't illness related.

Even though I'm trying really hard to not think about my illnesses or give in to them, The voices are trying their best to get my full attention.

I don't know if I can do this, my life has just been built around the illnesses! I want to be more than them but I don't know how.

Any advice or tips?

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Why was I admitted to an acute psychiatric hospital?

I believe it was a planed plot to get me in to hospital so that they can do what ever tests and gather information about me that they want. I feel safe and unsafe, mainly from the staff. 

I did have an incident when I was here one night, things just got too much for me, but I think that's for another blog post. 

I was just going for an outpatient crisis appointment planned meeting with my psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse, and cousin/carer. 

I did not for one second think walking in to this hospital for normal meeting that I wouldn't be able to leave. I didn't say good bye to my cats or have there food out and plans in place. 

I was so shocked I walked from the outpatient floor to the acute psychiatric inpatient ward, with out thinking or even remembering how did I get here, I think a few days later it final set in that I was here and sectioned under the mental health act and that I wouldn't be able to leave and have no idea of when I will get out? 

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Been out walking.

This is Dangerous I'm being told, I think it's because I get so distracted by the voices I forget where I am, how I got from one place to another and I forget to check the roads as I cross. I crossed in the middle of the road by a bus, I just forgot to look.

Walking too far, I've tried to walk a lot to feel free, and safe. But I'm trying to figure out do I feel safer inside or outside.

Physically feeling faint and weak, I still try and push myself but it's hard to remember the length I've walked I've got to do again to get home.

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I like to blog but forget to look for other blogs? Is it just me.

I enjoy writing blog posts especially as it’s a way to get rid of feelings and to let others know what’s going on. 

But I forget to look for other blogsz I’m sure there are loads out there in similar situations and I want to be able to share experiences and keep up with what life is throwing at you. So I’m going to find new blogs to follow, why don’t you join me… search something that relates to you and follow some new amazing blogs. Xx