I hate the fact that I have to take medication to be sane.
Would I rather be who I really am with no medication or this fake medicated self.
Maybe I want the voices, maybe I want to not know what’s real, may be I want to feel free and feel I have no responsibilities.
I wish I was free.
Hopefully no more changes. I think I’m at the right dosage.
- 400 mg clozapine
- 500mg pregabline
- 2mg diazepam
- 1.25 mg bisoprolol
- Vitamin b complex
They are really helping me to not be symptomatic.
Saw my support work on the way in to the hospital today. She had been off for a week. Hopefully going to catch up with her later on in the week.
Today my blood pressure was up, I heard talking while having it done increases your blood pressure, it worked.
I’m on 75mg today. And also they have upped the rate of it increasing so I don’t have to wait an extra day so tomorrow it goes up by 50mg in the evening and 75mg in the morning.
I feel a little bit suspicious about everyone, I’m also struggling with the voices and being told to harm. I’m not sure how long I can hold out.
I’m staying here an hour, and then going home until later when I’m having my weekly blood test and blood pressure check.
I’m trying my best to keep hydrated but it’s difficult, I’m not used to drinking a lot, but I’m trying my best, already had a litre and it’s 9:45am.
I have schizophrenia, and emotionally unstable personality disorder, they can’t be cured only managed.
People don’t know enough about mental illness, but this was my MUM asking me her daughter this question!!!
Slept really well, I feel asleep in the cafe yesterday evening, and then got a good 11 hours sleep.
Met with cpn yesterday and was good to talk things through. She made me feel I don’t have to hide that I feel scared of being better and we talked about the voices going.
Today I’m up to 50mg clozapine. Plan is to learn sign language to a song I love.
I’m feeling suspicious about them all talking behind my back. Are they really on my side.
They also said that they were upping my diazepam to the 6mg it was a week ago. I said I don’t want to go back up on diazepam and hopefully they agree.
I’ve managed to continue my step goal the last three days.
Going to try to continue as long as possible.
All going okay.
I start tomorrow and would love some advice or information about what to expect?
Thank you. X
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I’m back in to the local mental health hospital. I had a blood test last week that showed low white blood cells, and because of this I was unable to start clozapine, this is another blood test to see if anything has changed from last week.
I hope they get blood easily, they normally have to try a few times to get enough blood. It’s very frustrating and causes slot of anxiety.
I’m sat in the cafe because they don’t think we are dignified enough to have a waiting room. So it’s going of flows of being busy. It’s making my anxiety going all over the place, but if I go on clozapine I’ve got to get use to waiting here because I will have to do this weekly.
I’m not sure this is the right step for me and is this the sign.
I don’t know what to do, I’ve got my music on and that’s helping me feel calmer, but the voices are talking over it.